12.31.15 Happy New Year

i am a bit emotional about this past year. It's really been quite a journey.

Granted Master and i have been together for over a year, but i feel like today is a celebration of the past year that we have spent with each other. We have been through many ups and downs, but each and every step has been worth it. There have been many more ups than downs. He's removed me from a horrible situation, had me get the tattoo that i've always dreamed of, kept me away from horrible relationships, kept me safe, kept me secured, walked me through every situation that came up, punished me, teased me, played with me and pierced me. i'd do it all again in a split second, as long as i know He is beside me.

i've also met and lost some amazing people along the way. First, my best friend. i've always wanted a soul mate. She's it. We think alike and when we don't it's still okay. i love her to the moon and back. i've met some other great people as well. All fantastic. Some i've lost and it's okay. They were in my life for a reason for the time when life must have known they should be there. i will never forget them. i am grateful for the time i had.

Big changes will happen this year, 2016. Master told me that He will be with me every step of the way, and i am feeling very secure about that. My life is in His hands and i do know no wrong will come to me because He is in charge. He is an absolutely amazing man and Master. i am beyond lucky to be owned by Him.

Happy New Year to all! A year of change is ahead. Thank you to all that have been there for me, and thank you for all that continue to do so. i, also, am grateful for you.....

....most of all for Him. ox.

12.30.15 Job/$

Day started off really bad. Honestly, money and i are not friends. Never were, never will be. i don't manage it properly. Don't get me wrong, i'm not out there shopping like some mad woman or anything like that! Quite the opposite. Life is expensive! Blah.

So anyway, got into a bit of a moment with my dom friend about it. Crazy dumb but whatever.

Spoke with Master and i am to now start finding a new job, in His words, "hardcore". Sucks huge because i have so much time right now to be in constant contact with Him and getting a new job will/might change that. Makes me sad, nervous, scared and concerned. What helped is that Master told me that all will be fine and He will figure things out. A huge relief for me. i love knowing He's in control and will take care of everything. Gives me comfort. i do need Him.

12.29.15 Slow day

Nothing much going on but a bunch of thoughts. i have a lot to do and a lot to plan for in the up and coming year. Took a step towards that today. i need a new job. A better paying job. Very nervous and concerned about it. Master has already told me He will be here for me every step of the way. i'm grateful.

So i've applied for 4 jobs today. See what happens. Not getting my hopes up though. Usually things don't go that easy for me.

i won't see Master for 4 days this week, but i know i'll be okay. i feel really good with us right now. No doubt i should remember this always.

A nipple update............they're itchy. Lol. Good sign of healing. i'm looking forward to that!!! Master has already shown me what He would like to change the jewelry into.

12.28.15 Catch Up

Ok, so back and trying to get back to somewhat of a routine. Master and i had a bit of a normal morning...until He had some weather issues and had to leave work.

But you know what.....yes, i do feel a bit distant and far mentally from Master, but honestly i feel ok. After He gave me confirmation of our existence i was completely ok. Even after He didn't contact me this afternoon when He was home. i. Was. Ok. It's a very refreshing and comforting feeling. i like it. it feels great. i feel settled and secure and safe.

Did some thinking today about the New Year coming up. Some major changes need to happen. With the help of Him and my bff i hope to succeed. i want to succeed. i need to. Not only for me, but others that surround me. Eh, but more on that to come.............

i'm glad we are back to our normal again.................

12.24.15-12.28.15 Holiday

Whoa!

Drove to my sisters, who is 5 hours away, and it was a whirlwind from there. i LITERALLY had not a second to myself, and to be honest, it was perfect.

i messaged Master when i could, but not often. He knew i was ok, but i didn't do my regular routine. It wasn't that i didn't want to, because routine is what i need and crave, but it was because i couldn't. The schedule was hectic, which was good, because my missing Him wasn't so bad. i thought of Him: Every. Single. Second. It was also nice to finally be with family after so many years of not being able to. i truly did enjoy it.

i'm looking forward to talking to Him tomorrow and i pray that He understands.

i do also hope that everyone had a very Merry and i look forward to a New Year.

12.23.15 Dumb question

There is a question that drives me nuts.

i get asked questions. i always answer any question honestly. What annoys me is that the following question is asked...."is that how you would answer if you weren't owned", "would your answer change"?

Um, what?

i'm not going to change my answer. i want to be owned. i am in this relationship because this is what i want. i am not going to leave Master or get out of my relationship with Him because i have/we have put over a year into what we want and how we want it. We've struggled through the hard days and survived. So no, my answers will never change. All of my answers will be honest, but they will be based on my relationship with whom i am owned by. Based on what we follow. Based on what my guidelines are. End of story.

Anywhooooooo, long 5 days ahead without Master. Ah, the holidays. Baa Hum! i know He will contact me if or when He can, but we have much going on in Vanilla World, as understandable. i myself will be traveling to see family. Still miss Him tons. Constantly thinking of Him. Always doing as i am supposed to :)!

Oh, someone hugged me really hard today and holy hannah!!! my nipples are sore.................darn holiday hugs!

12.22.15 Healing

Nipples are sore, but not horrible. Still trying to get used to having them. i really want them to be healed. Patience and i are not really good together. 

i'm dying to have Master touch them. Last night they were super sensitive and i hope they stay that way. Just one finger on them could drive me insane. 

Again, the piercings were for Master. For His birthday. Happy Birthday to Him. i would have done anything He wanted (well actually i always will do anything He wants). i like being modified to be what He wants me to look like and to be. Makes me even more His. And that's what i am.....His. 

....still am not looking forward to the week ahead.......i hate being without contact. i will miss Him terribly. Luckily though i will be busier than i was on Thanksgiving....

12.21.15 Self image

Because i have not been working out, i am not feeling very good at all about how i look. i'm disgusted with myself. i feel gross.

Now with the piercings i need to make sure that the rest of me looks good and it doesn't so i am seriously stressing out about it.

i want to look a certain way but its so dam hard and i don't know how to accomplish that. Maybe i need a different work out plan? i think perhaps i do. But to get a new work out plan that will cost $$ and well that's a whole different subject...........................i'd like a boob job too - ha!!!

12.20.15 realization

Not that I wouldn't but the realization of what I've done for Master really still shows me how dedicated I am to Him. I have to say that it makes me very happy. 

Yesterday I was concerned and worried about the healing process of the piercings. Now I know I will do anything I can to make sure they stay. 

As simple or as complicated as it may or may not be.....I. Need. Him. 

I'm very happy. 

12.19.15 I am pierced

i did it. i wonder if Master thought i would chicken out? For a brief second there i did think about it, but His disappointment would have been worse than the pain of the piercings. i'm going to say that it did hurt and that if i had to do it again, i might reconsider. Might talk to Master how i can't do it. Now that i have them, i am happy. i'm looking forward to when the healing process is over so that i can change the bar to a prettier one. Something a little sparkly please!

What i want most is for Master to be happy. They are mainly for Him, but i know He also wanted me to have a physical reminder of Him. Right now...i'm really feeling the physical reminder. i seriously enjoy it.

Anyway, i hate the weekend, and next week will be long. i will be without Him for 5 days. Yes, i know that we have the rest of our lives, but i just miss Him badly when we are apart for that long. i start feeling numb and just do my tasks with not much feeling. i hate it.

Someone did mention to me that my blog was full of real problems and that i handle them in a real way. i have to be honest and say that i took that as a compliment. i write on this blog as if no one reads it and it's just for me. Perhaps that's why its so intriguing? Maybe genuine?

12.18.15 Today is the day

Yup. Nipple piercing. i'm nervous, but very much looking forward to getting them. It's for Master and i'm very happy to be giving Him something. He gives me so much and i want to give more. Yes i've given Him all of me mentally and physically, but sometimes it doesn't seem like enough. Sometimes i think the ultimate gift would be kneeling before Him...........................

12.16.15 Some stuff

Kinda lots rattling around today/tonight.

Already starting with a headache tonight. Not good. Slave! Where are my pills? Lol, just kidding! Me in a leather skirt today had me playing around a bit with my friends. i said to my bff, hmmm, maybe i am a switch, and she immediately replied, um no. Lol. Can you imagine? No way could i ever dom someone. The thought freaks me out! Ha. i can't even make a decision on clothing. This morning i asked Master if i could pick out my own outfit and i couldn't even figure that out! It took me a couple of costume changes.

What else is going on? Well lets see. i'm getting pierced in one more day. Little nervous. To be perfectly honest i am a tad bit nervous about the pain, which is quite ridiculous. i mean look at what has been done to my nipples. In all seriousness that is the least thing i should be nervous about. i think the thing that most bothers me is the person that will be doing the piercing. i'm very self conscious about how i look and then i get shy and try to hide. There is no hiding here. He will actually have to touch them. No covering up. Yikes. What will he think? Ok, that's maybe what is bothering me. What will he think? Will he judge? i hate being judged.

i'm also worried about not talking to Master for 5 whole days. i hope that i will stay busy and the time will go fast. We are just getting back to our normal and i'd like to stay that way.

Master and i have also talked about some other things today that will/may happen in the future. Like what He will do with the piercings or publicly displaying myself. The thought of the display turns me on. There is a new Dom that has contacted me on Fet and talked about what he has done to his sub to have her display herself publicly. He may have some good ideas. See what happens with some more chatting.

My research on self bondage has come to a halt. i cannot continue any further without experience. Perhaps sometime in January i will purchase some rope.

12.15.15 Boring day until......

....someone that Master had previously said i could sleep with contacted me.

We wrote him off because of some stunt he pulled and now he is asking again. Because i have a huge problem saying no, and because Master said yes in the past, i didn't come out right and tell him no when i should have. i wasn't sure if Master would approve this again. Sure enough when Master was available the answer was no. Master doesn't think i am mentally ready to try to handle something like this.

When i didn't say no to this person i immediately became stressed out and worried. Instantly. i continually do stupid things to put myself in this position. Why? Because i'm not strong enough to say no? Why does the opinion of others affect me so much? How can i get beyond this?

Anyway, Master said when/if this guy texts me again i am to say no. i know i won't out right say it. i'll make up some excuse instead so i don't hurt feelings. Anyone could make me bleed and i would still do anything to save their feelings. What does that make me?

How does it make me feel that Master said perhaps in the future we will try to test my mental barriers? Eh, not so great...................

12.14.15 Today and rest of this year

Master had me cum today. i needed it. Of course it is Master who gets to decide that, so i'm grateful.

Was intense. He had me position myself as He would want me and then had me fuck my holes as He would. i controlled my cumming, and begged to be allowed to. i knew as soon as He gave approval i would go hard. i did. Brought tears to my eyes.

So because i'm feeling lazy, i asked Master if i had to work out for the rest of the year and asked if i could pick it back up in January. Stupid of me to think He'd just be like yea sure no problem, without some sort of consequence. Dummy!

So for the rest of the year i have to try and cum (without Him-very difficult to do), and if i can't cum i have to work out. So not only do i get the pain of not being able to cum, i have to work out if i can't.

There is a method to His madness....as always.

i'm also glad that things are back to normal. i'm relieved. calm. better. i'm happy.

12.13.15 Long day

Long day in my vanilla life today. I'm beat. Physically draining because I was so busy but at least the day went quick and Master and i will be back to our normal tomorrow.

Have some things on my mind but I will discuss them with Master tomorrow.  Was good that this weekend when something started to concern me I just said to myself to stop thinking and Master will make decisions. Do you understand what a relief that is? A huge one. I actually felt the relief in my shoulders. It was awesome. 

Looking forward to another normal week.

12.12.15 Wanting

Days like this make me hate the fact that i am demisexual. i was wondering if one could change that? yea, probably not.

i'd really love to be walking around naked while He is watching........getting wet, begging to be touched, begging to be put over His knee. Begging to be used. Craving Him. Needing Him. Wanting Him. Touching Him. Sucking Him. Pleasing Him................................................

12.11.15 The opinions of others....

....are dangerous.

Sometimes the people that are allowed to be around me offer opinions of things they know nothing about. What does that do? It upsets me. Then i let it sit and build until i can get it out and discuss it with Master.

What people should understand what works for Master and me, may not work for them. We each have our own relationships. What others think would be better is not better for me. Only Master knows what is better for me. He is the only one that knows me. All of me.

Granted i don't mind hearing an opinion, but don't force it on me and only believe what you want me to. Understand??????

Master and i had a normal week, finally. It's been almost 3 i think. Long time. Good week! Whew! Lol. Although it is Friday - blah............................................ha!

12.10.15 Tired, good, horny

Still good. Feeling better. Just crazy tired for some reason today. Feeling a little out of it

my research on self bondage has been good and productive, but, i'm at a stand still. i need to know how now. How do i get myself into some of the positions and be bonded? How do i get out? i need to have 2 forms of release Master said. i do have beams in my place so i think that will come in very handy, but what can i do with them? Rope, obviously, but how? i need help and guidance. i think there is only going to be so much i can find online. i may need to reach out to someone.

The thought of being in bondage in front of Him has been driving me wild all day! Being completely open and vulnerable - wow! Such a beautiful form of submission. i want to show Him that so very badly. Show Him physically how much He so very much owns me, truly.

12.9.15 Semi normal

i woke up feeling better this morning. Didn't wake up crying. i felt more secure and settled than i have. Great start to the day.

i have also had some medications i have been taking adjusted and started that today as well. i'm feeling a little loopy, but my body will adjust in a few days.

Master and i also talked about giving me more tasks which is also a huge help. Starting Monday one of them will begin and the other will start tonight. i have a night routine again. Not so thoroughly thrilled with it, but it's not my choice to like it or not, just to do as i am told. i feel more owned when i'm told to do things, and that's how i needed to feel.

i've also been working on my self bondage report for Master. i'm excited to try some of these things as well. i'm learning lots and look forward to learning more. i have to report back to Him by the end of the month.

i'm very glad today was good and things feel more settled. i am better when things are in place. When i am in my place. When my head is where it is supposed to be. i'm happy there. Safe, secure, cared for and settled.

12.8.15 Feeling better

i discussed with Master today some things that have been sitting in my mind. i don't want to say that i'm a dweller of thoughts, but i guess to some point i am. Guess that's obvious. It's part of my personality.  i need to understand, fully understand, before i move on. i need questions answered. i needed to feel secure and settled again.

i'm not saying that i don't trust Him, because i completely to my soul do. Some things were just hard for me to comprehend and i needed time.

i'm feeling more settled. i didn't feel as depressed and sad this afternoon. Right now, this evening, i'm actually feeling "good ok". Let's not get out the champagne or anything.....:) Ha!

12.7.15 Feeling calmer

Had a good day. Spent a good amount of time outside. Which is good. i know this will sound corny but nature helps my soul. Yea weird. The beach, the woods all make me feel good. i love being outside. Love feeling the sun on my skin. Love exploring. i like finding cool stuff at the beach or in the woods. It can be anything. One time i found an old door knocker that had the initial of my last name. It's old and rustic and i love it. Still have it.

Master also settled me today. Some things He said made me feel better. i got nervous with what we had gone through last week and that some things had changed. Part of me is still wondering about it - ya' know my overthinking and all - ha. Maybe writing things down might help. Showing me that my overthinking is just that. i think i might do that tomorrow.............................

12.6.15 Just a busy day

Had a busy Sunday, so i didn't have much thinking time. Which is good.

i thought i had some ideas early this morning about why i've been so upset, but now i'm not so sure. i go back and forth and my overthinking just takes control. Luckily i didn't have the time, like i said, today.

i've been lucky enough to have heard from Him today. Normally that never happens. i'm very grateful.

..............tired.

12.5.15 Feeling eh

Woke up not so great, but the day wasn't so bad.

i went to breakfast with a friend of mine and we talked and it was nice to share how i was feeling with a good local friend. i know in the future i will be able to reach out to her if i am feeling lonely. i know she will be there for me if i need to be around someone. She's a really good person. She did make me feel better.

The rest of the day wasn't so bad either. So, i'm feeling ok, and i'll take that!

It's good i am very busy tomorrow. Master is close to me this weekend and knowing that i could just drive to see Him kills me. i'd really love to see Him right now.

i need our Monday. Just to have a normal week would be really nice - lol!

12.4.15 Lonely

It's been an emotional week. i'm exhausted and feeling very lonely.

i've needed confirmation from Master that everything will be okay, as well as needing a physical reminder of Him. He had me wear my plug for a bit this afternoon.  It made me feel better, but also made me crave more. He said He'd think about what to do.

So, He wants me to get my nipples pierced so i will have a constant physical reminder of Him. i completely love that idea. To walk around all the day and feel something that He put on me....i need it. i know my tattoo is there, but i don't "feel" it. Although, there is another tattoo that i do want that would be only for Him. i'm hoping to get that one in the beginning of the year.

How else do i feel? Eh. Again, i feel lonely, but just physically. Not mentally. i know He is with me at all times and i know i have friends that are as well. But i need touch and yes, i have been feeling that i need pain. Many forms of pain have been running through my mind. i want the pain to hide the loneliness. It'll pass though. It always does. To be honest, a good play session usually takes me out of it. Where i can go into my dark place.

i'm also doing some research on self bondage. See what happens with that. i'm looking forward to it.

Busy weekend ahead, i'm grateful. i need Monday.

12.3.15 My life almost changed.............

i didn't blog yesterday because i simply just could not. It was one of the most horrible days i have ever had.

The day started off fine, but then early afternoon we found out some horrible news that might have changed our relationship forever. News that could have ended everything!

There are absolutely no words to tell you how devastated i instantly became. i started tearing at work but did my best to control myself until i was alone in my office. When my best friend said hello to me i tried to tell her what happened, but once i did the tears just came. Even she was upset.

How could we possibly loose each other after all this time? How could i live? How could i continue with my life? What would i do? i was in a frenzied state of mind big time! How would i take care of myself? Would i be out with the wrong people? Would i get myself in trouble? A million thoughts were all over and at once.

i didn't think it would be good for me to be alone so Master approved my Dom friend to come over. Once he was here i just cried and cried and cried. Stopping for a bit, saying great things about Master or some funny thing Master might have said, and then start again. Like i was trying to live our whole relationship over in one night, not wanting to forget any memory.

Later in the evening He sent me an email letting me know that everything is fine, nothing would change. Yea, i cried. Can't tell you how swollen my eyes were in the morning.......nope.

Having this happen seriously made me realize a couple of things. i would be so ****ing lost without Him. i cannot live without Him. i do not want to live without Him. Yes, i have something to live for, but i would live blank. A stone walking around with no feeling. It would take an eternity to repair, if at all. Second, it made me realize how much Master really ****ing does care for me. Like really! Not that i needed validation, but i totally got it. Someone "fought" for me. No one has ever done that before! Ever!

i am still in utter shock and awe that this worked out for us, and as Master stated, if we can make through what happened to us last night, we can make it through anything. As always, He is right.

12.1.15 Needs

i have physical and emotional ones. They've both bothered me today.

On my way to work this morning i was thinking of Master and how He spanked me when He was here visiting me. It drove me to an insane level of horny. To be honest i was pretty much on edge all day. Mostly everything He talked to me about brought me back there. One word and He can drive me insane. Sometimes i might (i totally do this sometimes - oops) ask Him a question i will know the answer to just to get turned on. Yea i know - weird right. Ugh. Just the one word showing how much control He has over me........HOT (sorry, i'm horny). Yea, my physical need.

Emotional need, well, kinda hard to explain. Last week was so very difficult for me with Him being ill and unreachable. Brought me into a deep depression. So today when we potentially couldn't see each other via Skype made me sad. Brought me immediately down. But you know what.....He made it better.  He always makes things better. He knows what emotional needs i need, as well as my physical ones.

Speaking of physical needs.........i'm allowed to cum tonight. Thank You!!!! i need the release so very badly, especially after today. i'm going to fill every hole possible!